Seven Dreams

1. They stuck a catfish full of nuclear waste and put her in a tree. - Brussels, July 23

2. Bad bikini tanlines, family homes, french numbers and flatmates kissing. - Berlin, July 27

3. Floating over a traffic jam looking for a car on auto pilot. Lovers were exchanging places or saying goodbye. I was at a street party which filled up with water to our necks. I practiced synchoronised swimming. As the sun came up, the water drained. I swam towards the last people left at the party. We danced. I spun around on the spot with one leg in the air and my head up in ecstasy. When the music built and peaked I fell back into his arms and felt his beard bristle on my forehead. - Berlin, July 28

4. a) Turkish wasabi. It's a drug like opium but only lasts a few minutes. When you are about to take it you must excuse yourself to the people at the table.

b) Standing on the ledge of a window on an aeroplane watching birdlife including teradactils flying. - Brussels, July 31

5. Woke up and looked out the window to a view of a vast blue sea and an island with beautiful palm trees. Slowly the island floated out of view. We were floating on the sea. I looked again and we were in a desert. - Brussels, August 2

6. Scott's pirate ship burnt down while we were talking about plays and celebrty culture. In the middle of the flames, as people watched on a mediterranean coastline, there was a lesbian couple holding on to each other and determined to die. - Brussels August 4

7. Me and my mother eating pepperoni pizza with my therapist. - France August 10

Obsessive Love - Structure

The Obsessive love Wheel

The "Obsessive Love Wheel" (OLW) is a hypothetical sphere originally described by John D. Moore in his book, Confusing Love with Obsession. The wheel illustrates the four stages of Obsessive Relational Progression as part of Relational Dependency (RD). Moore suggests that for people who are afflicted with relational dependency (love addiction, codependency, etc) their relationships often follow the pattern of the wheel.

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to.

Phase one: Attraction phase

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
• An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.
• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.
• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Phase two: Anxious phase

This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes, however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include :

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.
• The need to be in constant contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
• Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others.
• Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.

Phase three: Obsessive phase

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
• Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.
• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is where "he or she is supposed to be."
• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

Phase four: Destructive phase

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).
• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises "to change".
• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.
• Suicidal thoughts may manifest. Without emotional counseling, suicide could become a reality.

Banana Burlesque

There's no getting out of it now.

I Hope You Are Okay

When I fell in love for the first time I was obsessed with the boy and so blinded I couldn't see at all how deeply patronising a character he really was. He broke my heart and left me weeping in a friend's living room at a party. I didn't stop weeping for months and maybe even years. Until something in my brain chemistry clicked and it became crystal clear that the guy was a total fraud, a phony.

One day this year I decide to go to Belgium to live with Stephen. I have to sub let my room to someone. I send out an email to many many people. A girl calls and she asks me if I would be okay with a couple living in my room. I say to her that we should all meet for a drink and see how things go. A few days later I receive a text message from her boyfriend, the same boy who broke my heart. He wants to make sure I knew it was him and he wants to know how I am. I say I am well and that it would be inappropriate for him to live in my room. He says he agrees and "I hope you are okay." As if after all this while I am still bitter at him. Well of course I am, because he is an idiot.

"I hope you are okay" is i think same sentiment as in Sophie's break up letter from her lover "Take Care of Yourself." Did these men really think they were at the centre of the universe? and didn't they realise that we can change the centre of the universe at a moments notice?

Prenez Soin de Vous - Take Care Of Yourself

List of Sophie's interpreters:

PSYCHIATRIST
ETHNOMETHODOLOGIST
TRANSLATOR IN SMS LANGUAGE
HISTORIAN
CROSSWORD WRITER
LINGUIST, SEMIOLOGIST, MEDEIVALIST
STYLISTIC ANALYST
TRANSLATOR
LATINIST
CHESS PLAYER
PHILOLOGIST
DIPLOMAT
CURATOR
ACCOUNTANT
POET
WRITER,PERFORMANCE ARTIST
IKEBANA MASTER
MOTHER
DESIGNER
WRITER
PUBLIC LETTER WRITER
RADIO HOST
SCREENWRITER
FILM DIRECTOR
ACTRESS
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
SOUND ENGINEER
CLOWN
ACTRESS
ETOILE DANCER AT THE OPERA DE PARIS
ACTRESS
RIFLE SHOOTER
SINGER
COMIC ACTRESS
OPERA SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
PERFORMANCE ARTIST
ACTRESS
MUSICIAN
ACTRESS
POP SINGER
MAGICIAN
SINGER
ACTRESS
BUNRAKU PUPPET
COMPOSER
BHARATA NATYAM DANCER
PETROCHEMICAL SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
TANGO SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
OPERA SINGER
ACTRESS
SOUL SINGER
DJ, VOCALIST
SINGER, ACTRESS
PUPPET AT THE JARDIN D'ACCLIMATION, PARIS
ACTRESS
ELECTRO-ANDALUSIAN SINGER
ACTRESS
VOCALIST, COMPOSER
RAPPER
FADO SINGER
ACTRESS
MUSICIAN
PARROT

The cherry on the cake of my personal insecurities is when I feel I will never amount to anything other than a boring and mediocre artist. It was after one of these particular cherry flavoured melt downs that Stephen bought me Sophie's book.

It would be rude not to do something with it.

Obsession In The Streets - Beginning with Sophie Calle

Sophie Calle, as I understand her, is in accidental genius of a French photographer who started out by stalking people in Paris in order to get an idea of the city through someone else's eyes in the 1970s. She never intended to be a photographer. She has a talent for finding games and playful documentation.

I first met Sophie Calle's work in the Georges Pompidou Centre in Paris at an exhibition of Feminist artwork of the 20th Century. On exhibit were pictures from her project "The Hotel" (1981) where she landed a job as a chambermaid in a hotel in Venice. She took the opportunity while cleaning people's rooms to rifle through their belongings and try to make up a picture of who the guests were purely from the objects she found in their room.

One day, early this year, Stephen and I were in a book shop in Auckland and I picked up a big heavy shiny pink book called "Take Care of Yourself." This was Sophie Calle's 1997 work for the Venice Biennale. She was sent an email from her lover, a writer, breaking up with her. He signed off by saying "take care of yourself..." Sophie took this e-mail and had it interpreted by 107 different women.

"I received an email telling me it was over. I didn't know how to respond. It was almost as if it hadn't been meant for me. It ended with the words, "take care of yourself." And so I did. I asked one hundred and seven women, including two made from wood and one with feathers, chosen for their profession or skills to interpret this letter. To analyze it, comment on it, dance it, sing it. Dissect it. Exhaust it. Understand it for me. Answer for me. It was a way of taking the time to break up. A way of taking care of myself." - Sophie Calle, Take Care of Yourself.

I became instantly obsessed with the work. Then I became obsessed with all of Calle's work. I am obsessed with the idea that there can be a way of processing an obsession so much that eventually it can turn into fine flour.

I intend to make a performance work based on this idea.

I'm going to guess that the first step in processing an obsession is to make it public...

SOPHIE CALLE I AM OBSESSED WITH YOUR WORK!