I swear I didn't edit this to make myself sound smarter...

SB: So, Nisha Madhan…

NM: Yes, Stephen?

SB: Can you tell me why you wanted to make this show?

NM: Hmm…I decided to make a show about obsession because I was really taken by this book by Sophie Calle called ‘Take Care of Yourself’ which you gave me this year.

SB: Why were you influenced by it? What did you find interesting about it?

NM: Mmmm…What I liked about it is that she took one thing, which was a break up letter from her boyfriend and she processed her grief about it over a hundred times by giving it to over a hundred different female interpreters…and what I found interesting about that is through processing her grief so many times, the letter stopped being an emotional object and turned into something else…like processing fine flour.

SB: Where did you get the title?

NM: I got the title from a love letter that I wrote to you.

SB: Ah, so how did you mean it when you wrote it?

NM: I meant it in a really positive and sexy way! (laughs) but lots of people find it quite a bitter and negative title and it was never meant to be bitter and negative.

SB: Yeah. So…

NM: I think I wanted to celebrate obsession and not be negative about it.

SB: So you think obsession is kind of positive aspect to most people’s lives, I mean what have you found from talking to people about it

NM: Most people talk bout it in a negative way, the accepted psychology seems to be that obsession leads to destruction…

SB: Or dysfunction

NM: Or dysfunction yep. And that’s quite a buddhist philosophy to practice non- attachment to things, but then there is also the idea that attachment to things can lead you down a really enlightening road as well. Like, quite often people will talk about their obsession being about what they want to do with their life, that they’re obsessed by their future and I don’t see that as a negative thing I see that as giving a fuck.

SB: And obsession is something you’re weary of getting caught up in but you kind of crave it too….What’s your favourite colour?

NM: At the moment it’s purple. What’s yours?

SB: It’s been yellow for a long time …and what’s your favourite thing about working with me?

NM: There’s lots of favourite things, making you laugh is pretty awesome…and your enthusiam for ping pong balls is quite weird, and we both like to eat sushi for lunch…

SB: Mmmm and what’s it like making a show in an apartment and for an apartment? Cuz we’ve worked in my apartment and we’ll be performing in your apartment…

NM: We’ve made it in three apartments cuz we worked on it in our apartment in Brussels too…

SB: What’s with that? What’s a good thing about working in an apartment?

NM: uuuuum…

SB: It’s free..

NM: That’s for sure. And I enjoy having my home life and artistic life be one continuous thing. Having the research and objects of the show around me all the time so I can keep considering them throughout the day.

SB: You sound like my kind of girl.

NM: Really?

SB: Yeah, do you want to go out?

NM: Where?

SB: No I mean, like, go around together?

NM: What like pash and stuff?

SB: Yeah.

NM: Okay.

(They pash)

Night of the Gorilla

Performance: Stephen Bain and Nisha Madhan
Images: Francesca Gallo

Premier Spectacle!

It's not a play and there are no characters, there is nosituation and most of the words are made up, or lies, or notthat important. What's left is a cabaret of ideas and

inspirations from the last few months of obsessive living,
thinking, and traveling around.

Got To Have You

By myself and Kerrily Aitchison
Music by Shelia Jack
Shot and edited in Brussels 2010

Playground Obsession

1.HI JAMIE! HD FN STNDNG NXT 2 U IN DA CLASS LINE. MUM SAYS MY KNEE WILL B BETA NXT WK & I CN CUM BK 2 SKUL. C U L8RS. XOXO (N.M)

2.DR.JAMIE.X.UR.CYCLING.THRU.MY.DREAMS.4REAL.WNT.2.STAND.IN.THE.FRONT.OF.THE.LINE.W.ME?
WONT.TRIP.YOU.UP.IZZAFACE. (D.H)

3.BIG MISTAKE...SORRY...PLS IGNORE PIZZA SCENARIO. I WANT 2 MARRY U. LOL. :)...:/...JUST JOKES (S.B)

4. FUCK YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DOWNTROWED ME...I HOPE TO PUSH YOU OFF YOUR FCKING PRETTY BIKE + MAKE YOUR KNEE BLEED. (K.A)

You Are A Party

You are a party in my head. You are for me. You look beautiful. You start out awkward but you end up wild and full of rambling conversation. Your punch is spiked. I feel light headed and my dress is getting puffier and girlier by the minute. Your music is sweet and loud. My hair feels soft and shiny. You are decorated and colourful, a thousand morsels of glitter under fairy lights. You are wild. You are flirting and dancing everywhere. You are dangerous, you could get busted and shut down at any moment now. I am magnetised. I want to pounce into every space you have like a big cat. I love moving around you. It seems like everyone is in love with you.

What Have You done To Me?

Number of Pronouns: 2 - you, me.
Number of verbs: 2 - done (past tense of to do), have.
Number of prepositions: 1 - to.
Number of question words: 1 - what (WHquestion).
Punctuation: 1 question mark.

There are five words in the sentence, mostly pronouns and verbs, no adjectives, adverbs or proper nouns.

The use of the past participle of the verb to do (have done) implies that there are no alternatives for the consequences of the subject's action.

The subject, me, feels that the perpetrator, you, has done something. That something is done to the subject implies that whatever the effect is on me, they should not be responsible. The responsibility for the action, the 'what' is clearly on the shoulders of you. This could be a positive something, like 'you made me smell like roses' but it could equally be a negative something, like, 'you made me crash the car and now my arm is broken.' Either way, the subject, me, puts them self as the consequent subject to you. The me character is clearly feeling less in control, subjugated or manipulated by you. The fact that me tells you this information, informs us that there is a direct mode of communication, perhaps even humour in the statement, though underpinned by a somewhat cynical view of their situation.

Obsession (n) - ...the desire to have a place, even if only in the mind.... (Harald Szeemann)

1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

1. (Psychiatry) Psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness

2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed

1.

the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire,
2.

the idea, image, desire, feeling, itself

Seven Dreams

1. They stuck a catfish full of nuclear waste and put her in a tree. - Brussels, July 23

2. Bad bikini tanlines, family homes, french numbers and flatmates kissing. - Berlin, July 27

3. Floating over a traffic jam looking for a car on auto pilot. Lovers were exchanging places or saying goodbye. I was at a street party which filled up with water to our necks. I practiced synchoronised swimming. As the sun came up, the water drained. I swam towards the last people left at the party. We danced. I spun around on the spot with one leg in the air and my head up in ecstasy. When the music built and peaked I fell back into his arms and felt his beard bristle on my forehead. - Berlin, July 28

4. a) Turkish wasabi. It's a drug like opium but only lasts a few minutes. When you are about to take it you must excuse yourself to the people at the table.

b) Standing on the ledge of a window on an aeroplane watching birdlife including teradactils flying. - Brussels, July 31

5. Woke up and looked out the window to a view of a vast blue sea and an island with beautiful palm trees. Slowly the island floated out of view. We were floating on the sea. I looked again and we were in a desert. - Brussels, August 2

6. Scott's pirate ship burnt down while we were talking about plays and celebrty culture. In the middle of the flames, as people watched on a mediterranean coastline, there was a lesbian couple holding on to each other and determined to die. - Brussels August 4

7. Me and my mother eating pepperoni pizza with my therapist. - France August 10

Obsessive Love - Structure

The Obsessive love Wheel

The "Obsessive Love Wheel" (OLW) is a hypothetical sphere originally described by John D. Moore in his book, Confusing Love with Obsession. The wheel illustrates the four stages of Obsessive Relational Progression as part of Relational Dependency (RD). Moore suggests that for people who are afflicted with relational dependency (love addiction, codependency, etc) their relationships often follow the pattern of the wheel.

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to.

Phase one: Attraction phase

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
• An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.
• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.
• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Phase two: Anxious phase

This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes, however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include :

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.
• The need to be in constant contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
• Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others.
• Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.

Phase three: Obsessive phase

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
• Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.
• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is where "he or she is supposed to be."
• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

Phase four: Destructive phase

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).
• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises "to change".
• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.
• Suicidal thoughts may manifest. Without emotional counseling, suicide could become a reality.

Banana Burlesque

There's no getting out of it now.

I Hope You Are Okay

When I fell in love for the first time I was obsessed with the boy and so blinded I couldn't see at all how deeply patronising a character he really was. He broke my heart and left me weeping in a friend's living room at a party. I didn't stop weeping for months and maybe even years. Until something in my brain chemistry clicked and it became crystal clear that the guy was a total fraud, a phony.

One day this year I decide to go to Belgium to live with Stephen. I have to sub let my room to someone. I send out an email to many many people. A girl calls and she asks me if I would be okay with a couple living in my room. I say to her that we should all meet for a drink and see how things go. A few days later I receive a text message from her boyfriend, the same boy who broke my heart. He wants to make sure I knew it was him and he wants to know how I am. I say I am well and that it would be inappropriate for him to live in my room. He says he agrees and "I hope you are okay." As if after all this while I am still bitter at him. Well of course I am, because he is an idiot.

"I hope you are okay" is i think same sentiment as in Sophie's break up letter from her lover "Take Care of Yourself." Did these men really think they were at the centre of the universe? and didn't they realise that we can change the centre of the universe at a moments notice?

Prenez Soin de Vous - Take Care Of Yourself

List of Sophie's interpreters:

PSYCHIATRIST
ETHNOMETHODOLOGIST
TRANSLATOR IN SMS LANGUAGE
HISTORIAN
CROSSWORD WRITER
LINGUIST, SEMIOLOGIST, MEDEIVALIST
STYLISTIC ANALYST
TRANSLATOR
LATINIST
CHESS PLAYER
PHILOLOGIST
DIPLOMAT
CURATOR
ACCOUNTANT
POET
WRITER,PERFORMANCE ARTIST
IKEBANA MASTER
MOTHER
DESIGNER
WRITER
PUBLIC LETTER WRITER
RADIO HOST
SCREENWRITER
FILM DIRECTOR
ACTRESS
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
SOUND ENGINEER
CLOWN
ACTRESS
ETOILE DANCER AT THE OPERA DE PARIS
ACTRESS
RIFLE SHOOTER
SINGER
COMIC ACTRESS
OPERA SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
PERFORMANCE ARTIST
ACTRESS
MUSICIAN
ACTRESS
POP SINGER
MAGICIAN
SINGER
ACTRESS
BUNRAKU PUPPET
COMPOSER
BHARATA NATYAM DANCER
PETROCHEMICAL SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
TANGO SINGER
ACTRESS
ACTRESS
OPERA SINGER
ACTRESS
SOUL SINGER
DJ, VOCALIST
SINGER, ACTRESS
PUPPET AT THE JARDIN D'ACCLIMATION, PARIS
ACTRESS
ELECTRO-ANDALUSIAN SINGER
ACTRESS
VOCALIST, COMPOSER
RAPPER
FADO SINGER
ACTRESS
MUSICIAN
PARROT

The cherry on the cake of my personal insecurities is when I feel I will never amount to anything other than a boring and mediocre artist. It was after one of these particular cherry flavoured melt downs that Stephen bought me Sophie's book.

It would be rude not to do something with it.

Obsession In The Streets - Beginning with Sophie Calle

Sophie Calle, as I understand her, is in accidental genius of a French photographer who started out by stalking people in Paris in order to get an idea of the city through someone else's eyes in the 1970s. She never intended to be a photographer. She has a talent for finding games and playful documentation.

I first met Sophie Calle's work in the Georges Pompidou Centre in Paris at an exhibition of Feminist artwork of the 20th Century. On exhibit were pictures from her project "The Hotel" (1981) where she landed a job as a chambermaid in a hotel in Venice. She took the opportunity while cleaning people's rooms to rifle through their belongings and try to make up a picture of who the guests were purely from the objects she found in their room.

One day, early this year, Stephen and I were in a book shop in Auckland and I picked up a big heavy shiny pink book called "Take Care of Yourself." This was Sophie Calle's 1997 work for the Venice Biennale. She was sent an email from her lover, a writer, breaking up with her. He signed off by saying "take care of yourself..." Sophie took this e-mail and had it interpreted by 107 different women.

"I received an email telling me it was over. I didn't know how to respond. It was almost as if it hadn't been meant for me. It ended with the words, "take care of yourself." And so I did. I asked one hundred and seven women, including two made from wood and one with feathers, chosen for their profession or skills to interpret this letter. To analyze it, comment on it, dance it, sing it. Dissect it. Exhaust it. Understand it for me. Answer for me. It was a way of taking the time to break up. A way of taking care of myself." - Sophie Calle, Take Care of Yourself.

I became instantly obsessed with the work. Then I became obsessed with all of Calle's work. I am obsessed with the idea that there can be a way of processing an obsession so much that eventually it can turn into fine flour.

I intend to make a performance work based on this idea.

I'm going to guess that the first step in processing an obsession is to make it public...

SOPHIE CALLE I AM OBSESSED WITH YOUR WORK!